Touched by compassion

I wonder if I deserve it

compassion given so freely to me

I wonder what good I have done

to deserve such compassion

I feel so lucky

yet so unlucky

with all the good things I have

yet I still look towards the bad

touched by compassion

things could have been worse

but the lord chose otherwise

showed compassion to me

brought good people in to my life

that is the lords love

touched by his compassion

by his love

I see it in my life

yet I choose to hide it away

behind a thick black curtain

it is only ‘I’ that hides the light

It is only ‘I’ that turns a blind eye

Touched by compassion

filling my heart with overflowing compassion

Hard not to get sucked in to their issues

but still being empathetic

want to share the light I have

but right this moment

I’m not with it

so I will stay here

be patient with myself

eventually it will all come back

touched by compassion

I don’t deserve it

that is just the way the lord works

gives to whomever…

I have no idea what happened to me last night , but I wrote this , it seems just ramblings but it felt like a good release . Writing is so therapeutic .

To day I was reading a novel and suddenly I remembered something that happened to me when I was like ten . I was sitting on the table in my year seven class , I was alone . I felt so incredibly miserable . I had such a sad face , I almost wanted to cry . I was looking around me and I could see everyone in class was talking, except talking to me , everyone had a friend . I remember thinking ‘I am not someone to be liked’ . I had such low self esteem . I had low self worth .

 The teacher came up to me and said ‘what is the matter , amal you look SO miserable and sad ‘ , My only reply was ‘ I’m ok’ . Truth be told I wanted to burst out crying . Wherever you put me , whichever class you put me in , no one seemed to like me , I was always the kid that was picked on . At first I thought maybe it is my looks , so I had this notion in my head that I am ugly that is why no one likes me .

I realized much later in life it has nothing to do with the way I looked . I was just a very insecure , annoying little girl . Even when I did not say much people still picked on me . So I spent my school years being ‘quite’ , so I would go unoticed . It was a way of protecting myself . I remember how I used to badly want to fit in to the popular crowd , but the popular crowd did not want me .

 I just did not fit anywhere , even if I was with the Iraqi girls at my iraqi saturday school , they used to pick and bully me to their . I was just someone seen as an easy target , till this day I am baffled by it as to why that was . Now as an adult I make friends easily , people visit me . I have a well established strong personality , It was islam that changed me nothing else . Islam changed me from the low self esteem , loser I was back then into the person I am today . That is not to say I do not have my ‘low self esteem moments’ or my attack of remembering my painful childhood memory’s that sometimes just catch up with me . Sometimes they seem so unreal .

We attach ourselves to our lovers

yet they don’t belong to us

we lose ourselves when they wrong us

instead we should have turned to Allah

for he is a lover that will never let us down

love

but love with detachment

love

but love knowing maybe one day they may leave

love

but know that Allah may choose to take his soul before yours

love

but love Allah the most

he will never let you down ….

I had to understand this through a lot of pain , I do not love my husband and I really don’t like him anymore . The day I get my divorce will be a celebration for me . I realize how much I desire love , how much I want to love . I do not want to love in fear nor do I want to love in attachment . I want to love but be free. Freedom is sweet . I have tasted it and never want to go back . I realize love that will never betray you or hurt you , is the love  of god . God will never let you down , as long as you stay true to him . He will continue to shower you with his love . Every other type of love you will feel will always come secondary , the thing that you achieve through is freedom , spiritual freedom . It is the most amazing feeling in the world .

Maybe I shouldn’t be , but I am , I just can not help it . Whenever I see something not perfect , I am like no it should be this way . This is life we live in un ideal world . Yet for some reason little miss .me just can not accept that . Get over it woman , we do not live in an ideal world. I come to realize I am a bit of a perfectionist who likes to get everything perfect , no matter what it is . When I put my mind to something I do it to the best of my ability . When it does not come out perfect , I try again so I never give up .

 I wasn’t always like this , before I was such a pessimist the world was black to me , now I realize the world is a little more colourful with lots of seeds to sew. I realize if I fail once it is ok , I will just sew another seed and so and so on . Until I succeed .

Coming back to my ideal view of life , I just don’t get it , why are people not how god created them to be . Meaning god did not create them to be that way , yet they are that way drives me crazy ! Woman get over it , it was never meant to be paradise !

Blessed is the soul that is grateful

for what it has

blessed is the soul that recognizes it

blessed is the soul that is thankful

may I always be thankful to the ‘one’

that gave me all ….

I truly have a lot to be thankful for , When I was a little girl I was always the wrong shoe size as I like to call m self , I never fitted in anywhere , no matter what I was never accepted . I felt like I was a curse , you would put me with Iraqis girls I would get bullied , you would put me with the Iranians girls I would be made fun off and if you put me with indians I still could not make any friends . English school was a disaster as it took me time to learn ‘english’ . I thought it was because I was ugly that was why no one wanted to be my friend .

 I believed that for so long , my sisters made friends why not me ? what is wrong with me ? . When I grew older I realized it is not my looks because I actually got attention from men ,ok so if it is not my looks why is it no one wants to be my friend . I think it is because I was very bubbly , I started making friend around  my teens . Gave up trying to fit in to the ‘in’ group and started just accepting that this is how it is going to be .

Now as an adult I am so grateful that I was never the popular girl , I’m grateful that I was never in the ‘in’ group . Maybe just maybe I would not be who I am if everything worked out with ‘iraqi’ girls as they say .

I have wonderful friends now , extremely loyal and my phone never stops ringing !:) I do feel special in a way , but I changed and my experiences made me a better person . I can never look down at anyone nor ill treat them because I know how that feels . My culture in an indirect way does teachs arrogance , my experiences wiped it away . My friends come from all over the world ,now I even eat with my hands ( provided I washed them ) .

So indeed I am blessed , to have such wonderful people in my life .

Hope oh hope

how much I try to keep you close to me

a special space you have in my life

when all things look bleak

I grab on to you oh hope

where hope is

is where god is

filling it with his light

that glows from the faces of men

only the ones that have hope

hope cleans away despair

filling the mind with positive images

hope oh hope

how at times I am addicted  to you

keeping me on my toes

keeping me alive ….

Nothing in this life can be as bad as hellfire , so technically we can get through ANYTHING that gods destiny chooses to throw at us .Each and every mistake we make is technically not a mistake , they make us who we are , we choose to be the way we are like it or not . We can self pity ourselves if we want , but the reality is that is not going to get you anywhere . The realization of having this deeper strength within all of us is amazing , their is a higher self within all of us that screams out to do good and control ourselves . God truly knew best when he created man , gave us capability’s that we often forget we have , or perhaps never realized it is their . Then when it is found you never want to go back to your old ways .

  So whenever you go through a bad moment in  your life , reflect and ask god what is it that he wants me to learn from this? self pity ? I doubt it very much , when you start seeing the lessons in the test of life , thats when you start to chill out a little more . To the point that you can cope with almost anything that destiny wants to throw at you .

After finally making a decision as to what to do about my marriage . I am finding it hard to say the words . Now I am just waiting for the right moment . I feel inside ready that it is time to move on and this is not for me . So whatever is best may god make it easy ameen .I think I am sub conciousley stressed out , because even if I get enough sleep I still feel like I have this funny headache at the top  of my eyes , if that makes any sense please let me know .

  I feel tired in the head , extremely tired in head . I am trying to rid my self of it , but when you feel you have no energy it is not easy . For someone like me who is always buzzing and on the go right now , I feel exhausted in the mind . Need the strength and courage to move which I know eventually I will get their in the end .

  All things come to pass this is just one of those passing moments .

Decisions , decisions

how many more do I have to make ?

imperfections , imperfections

perfection only belongs to Allah

never ending problems

that come after one another

problems never end

but life does

that is how the world is supposed to be

pain followed by pleasure

so many steps

so many decisions

so many alleyways

one has to pass through

thinking it is over

another comes your way

that is life

decisions , decisions

your a fool if you think it is over

As we get older

we keep memories alive

with pain that we lit in our eyes

pain the heart Carry’s with it

wherever it goes

wishes it can let go

pain makes one wonder

why does one go on ?

where did that peace I once felt go ?

will the pain ever let me go ?

letting go of painful memories

only then will the pain let me go

feeling scarred for life

imagining a permanent indent  in my heart

asking the lord for help !

allow me to let go

the pain that I

 just can not let go .

That was a poem I wrote a few days ago , as I can not seem to get to sleep because I keep thinking , It is amazing I actually don’t feel that pain that I felt then . Painful emotions can really drag you down , and rip away any hope you once had in your heart . All that hard work , all that effort I had put in to my self development so that I would not feel that way again , yet the emotions keep coming back . That is life striving  constantly with yourself . It is all about how you view things and how you feel . I realize now it will be a constant battle to stay alive inside .

Being a first time mum was not easy ,first of all I did not accept the fact that I was mother . For some twisted reason I felt I was too young to be mother . I even almost regretted the fact I became a mother . I felt so unready for it . I felt I was thrown in to something that I really did not want to be . I did not want to be a mother I was only twenty .

 For a while I felt frumpy and silly , I just wanted to be free again . Not realizing that being a mother is the best thing in the world , that their are so many woman out their who want children and can not have children . Something awoke in me I realized being a young mother is not so bad that this beautiful baby was going to teach me something . Something about me , that becoming a mother does not mean my dreams are shattered, becoming a mother will enhance who I am . Yes I do feel old in the head although I do not look old !

 I realize now all these feelings are caused by me . My-daughter is a reflection of me , I need to change for me to be able to bring her up well . To be a strong minded independent thinker, to realize her existance is only for god and not for ego  . Society teaches us to do things in a certain way , but who says it has to be done that way ? why can I not do it in my way a unique way ? .

 I have my daughter now and I must take responsibility for having her . At times I feel I have failed , when she doesn’t listen to me all I want to do is scream . At times I do , then live to regret and contemplate .

Whatever the outcome is I just know one thing , being a mother is a responsibility , it does not have to be a chore it should be something enjoyed . Our children are given gifts to us from the lord . They do not belong to us they are on loan to us , my job as a mother is to shape this little girls personality and make her in to something well accomplished . People think peace starts with the united nations , I believe peace starts with the home .